You Have This Ability to Make Both Sides Sound Plausible

A Con Law Classroom in Orange County

By Lucas J. Mather, Ph.D.

Professor, you have this ability to make both sides sound plausible and …good. Like, I can’t tell which side you’re seriously on.

[The professor smiled and then furrowed his brow, and gently grunted. It was a gentle grunt. His eye sparkled, like Santa].

Like, my other professors don’t really do that.

[The professor’s other eye sparkled, like an elf].

But then again they don’t really cover these issues in as much detail.

[The professor smiled again , then grunted , like the Three Wise Men did when they disembarked from their camels].

Do you know what I mean ? Like…, the student said.

The professor said, I *think* so. I’m maxing out my “N” on the Myers Briggs right now but I’m about to hit the “S” pretty hard, he said.

She said, huh?

Intuitively, yes, I hear you. Ironically , though, you mean the opposite of what you’re saying.

I do?, she said.

Yes, I think so.

But I want to be very delicate and gentle as I point that out. So that you see it for yourself, the professor said.

Okay, she said. Point what out, she said. She continued , Well, we talk about a lot of quote un quote controversial issues, right ? [She raised her fingers up and moved two on each hand.] A lot of partisan issues. You know?

I do, the professor said.

Of course you do, she laughed. But I can’t tell if you are a Republican. [The professor’s face was still]. I mean, you’re pretty much the only professor I can’t tell.

Because ?

Because you say both sides so well. You make Republicans sound so good, too. It’s freaky. I feel like you wouldn’t even mind if I thought you were a Republican . Or if someone called you one .

[The professor changed positions like Mary about to give birth, wincing].

Did I offend you ? she asked.

No ! Heavens no.

Because I mean it as a compliment .

Okay , yeah. Sure, yes, the professor said. I ran today and I’m a bit sore, sorry. It’s not you, it’s these shoes.

[She looked at him].

Well, he said. What you really mean, isn’t that you can’t tell what I am, but that you can, he said.

Wait, why?

Because , you just said.

What? [She smiled].

No one else charitably describes the Republican view. [His ears twitched, like a burro in the stable at the sight of an angel].

No, but you do describe both sides so clearly and well. Like beyond the normal, you know , rhetoric or bumper stickers .

So I describe the Democrats well?

Yeah, very clearly . Like super clear. It actually helps me see the weaknesses, cuz usually their views aren’t clearly expressed.

Did you just call me CuZ?

LOL no but so wouldn’t mind if you were my cousin.

Thanks , he said. I think I feel like you are a Republican .

Ah, he said, perking up.

Why’s that.

Because , now that I think about it, none of my other professors would like to be confused with a Republican , even on accident .

Ah, yes. There’s that.

Yeah, she smiled . I guess that’s my guess if I had to guess .

So the only professor you have who teaches both sides well is the professor who you think is the Republican .

Oh shit…I guess so…lol …wait ! I guess I did say that sort of .

Well I don’t want to put works in your mouth , he said.

But…No I basically did say that. So, maybe you’re a Democrat who just like really respects Republicans ?

No you are right, I am a Republican .

I knew it !, she screamed . I knew it! I effing knew it [except she said the f word].

So I was right —you did know , even though you said you didn’t , the professor said.

Oh, I see what you meant. Oh yeah [she said as her eyes went up and to the left, then right]. Yeah.

Okay then, the professor said. Anything else?

No. I’ll see you next class then ?

Yeah. Okay, see ya.

Bye professor , she said as she got her phone out and started typing really fast.

[And the professor prayed for the class , and several students by name. And he gathered his Adjunct bag, and moved toward the water fountain to fill up his water bottle and make his way down to the car. And he kept praying over the campus as he went . So that by the time he got to his Adjunctmobile, with no AC and that dent from last summer , and the dried coffee dips on the top of the trunk from 4 weeks ago, he said, In Jesus’ name, amen. And then he drove away like a bat outa hell].

Copyright Lucas J. Mather, 2018
All Rights Reserved
Originally posted to Facebook on Monday 23 April 2022 at 6:19 pm