Who is Older ? A Puzzle from Roe v. Wade

From a Constitutional Law Class in Orange County, Cal State Fullerton

By Lucas J. Mather, Ph.D.

When my friend Abby gave birth to Kate, she was premature . I can’t recall exactly how premature . It was perhaps by 2 months . Kate was very small. She had to be in the NICU for a while. The day after Kate was born, Roland was born . Roland was born right on time. Who is older, Kate or Roland ? , the professor axed.

Uh , the students said.

Well, let’s clarify what “older” means, the professor said.

[They were all eager for this clarification].

Something is old counting from when it began to exist. So when we say the universe is 14 billion years old, we are counting from when it began (allegedly). When we say that this building is older than that building, that is true or not depending on which building began to exist before the other. If this building is 5 years old, but the other’n is 25 years old , counting from the second they began to exist, then the other’n’s older.

[There was saliva drooling on desks].

Something can be old even after one day. Anybody like doughnuts?

[A girl and some boys snapped awake].

OMG I love donuts .

Yeah?

Yeah, butt I can’t have them.

Oh. Once in a while?

[She smiled a sneaky smile].

Ever had a doughnut that’s a day old ? Somethings different, right? Than the one that is 5 minutes old.

[Everyone was nodding furiously].

Starting from? the professor axed.

He continued : Starting from the second when they began to exist .

[The professor paused, like a kitty before attacking yarn. He got the same crazy look in his eye, the same as the kitty gets].

So, who’s older, Kate or Roland ?

[The students just stared at the board where Kate and Roland’s timelines were drawn].

Kate was born in October . Let’s say, October 1. And Roland was born October 2, a day later. [The professor paused]. And yet Kate is one third to half the size of Roland , because she was conceived 2 months later than Roland. She was born before Roland, but conceived months after. On the birth certificate , which is useful for citizenship but not personhood , she can do legal vodka shots one day before Roland . She can buy an assault rifle at Cabela’s (YEAH!!!!! —20 seconds of that —) one day before Roland, he said. Who’s older? The professor axed again.

Kate, someone said. No wait, she corrected , as she put her hand over her mouth.

Another student said: Doesn’t that depend on whether conception is the beginning ?

Isn’t that a sufficient and rational explanation for why Kate is so much smaller than Roland? another smart student asked.

True, the student said.

Do any of you remember your birth? I do, the professor said.

[Eveybody smiled]. Shoot, I remember my conception, the professor said . I remember I was just chilling when all of these tadpoles started ringing my doorbell.

[A girl squealed with high pitched laughter].

I finally let one in and, and I was all “what the…” as Van Halen’s “Jump!” song blasted my hearing out. All these bright colors appeared, and I just recall it got really flashy and bright and I yelled. And started working my way over to that endometrial wall cuz I was damn hungry and needed air and fast forward and I’m sliding into home base with my slip and slide birthday suit on in the freezing cold and everyone is looking at my genitals like a bunch of highly educated pervs, the professor exclaimed.

[The entire class is awake and smiling and laughing and staring ].

When did you begin to exist ? The professor axed.

A student said, it can’t be birth.

Very scientific of you, the professor said.

I don’t know . I think birth because otherwise, a student trailed off…

[It got quiet.]

Remember the 14th Amendment . Section 1. “All persons born …”, the professor reminded them.

Right so it’s saying all persons are born , she said.

The professor said, the 3rd word is “are” or “born”?

Oh , they said. It doesn’t say “All persons are born”. It doesn’t say that, they noticed.

[The pro choicers are all disappointed. Half the class is Hispanic].

If you were right , the professor said to the Hispanic student , you would be saying that the pro-abortion position depends on the view that the 14th Amendment, first sentence , says All persons are born in the United States, which would imply that any human being being born elsewhere—say, oh, MEXICO—is not a person . Because, pro-choice.

[Oh s**t looks all around like margaritas at a party in Cabo].

It looks like birth isn’t indicative of age, a quiet student said. So, conception must be.

The professor said, see you guys on Monday.

Copyright Lucas J. Mather, 2018
All Rights Reserved
Originally posted to Facebook Saturday 28 April 2018 at 5:04 pm